I Can Be Selfish

If I had a dollar for every time I've been called selfish this summer I would have enough money for my move to Colombia! ... OK ... probably not. I'd just have like 40 or 50 bucks lol. But still, that's a lot of times. Regardless of the number of times I've heard it, I have to say that I believe I am completely entitled to being selfish right now. Perhaps I being naive and this post will show how much wisdom I lack in my life as a result of a measly 22 years of existence. But I stand firm in the belief that I can be selfish right now and I can be on my own time. I just graduated college after being in school for nearly 18 years. That's almost 82% of my life (I did the math). So for 18 years I had class, exams, some type of extracurricular activity, papers, essays ... eventually part-time jobs and internships. I had some type of academic responsibility that HAD to be completed. Well on May 13, 2011, I was free from all of that responsibility. I now have a phone bill and credit card bill (yup, had my fair share of not listening and putting things on a credit card. Hey, ya live and ya learn. Such is life). I aso have a full-time job, am running my nonprofit org, and working a few weekends a month to get some extra cash. I just signed a modeling/acting contract with an agency in Atlanta, so hopefully I will start bringing in some more money from that within the next few months. However, if I wanted to drop all of this and move to an island somewhere and sell seashells for a living that's what I could do. If I wanted to sell this laptop, cell phone, clothes, etc and give it all to charity, that's what I could do. I can do whatever I want as long as I'm not hurting anyone else. I don't have children. I don't have a significant other. Thank God my parents are both healthy and I don't have to take care of them. So the bottom line is: at 22, single, and college educated I can do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. I CAN be selfish and I CAN be on my own time. If no one else wants to be on my time, they don't have to be and I'll have to deal with it. I can't expect everyone to be on my time. Honestly, I don't have any sense of time. None of my decisions have any sense of permanency to me. If I start doing something I don't like then I'll give a little time and stop doing it. If I don't like a job, I'll quit and find a new one. If I do like a job, I'll stay as long as I want. If I move somewhere and I don't like it, I'll leave. If I do something stupid, I won't do it again. LOL. Now if you still think I'm selfish and I'm worried about myself, then you are absolutely right. Right now is the time when I'm SUPPOSED to worry about myself. Right now is the time when I'm supposed to find out who I am and do me. I set myself up this way so that's exactly what I could spend the early part of my twenties doing: being selfish.

Now I wil admit that I have a problem with patience. Perhaps that can be confused as being selfish. In 6 days I would have been carless in Atlanta for 60 days. Now, if you live in Atlanta you know how bad that SUUUCCKKSS. Atlanta is not a city to be carless in unless (MAYBE) you live right in the center of the city within walking distance of a MARTA station. But MARTA ain't the DC Metro and it sure as heck ain't the NY Subway. I will say that I have possibly been a little impatient with waiting to get a new car. So the past 6 or 7 days it has been "me me me" "my my my" "I I I" (I want a new car, Get me a new car, Where is my new car etc etc lol). However, after 50 or so days of patience I think I deserve to have a little bout of impatience. Modeling jobs, photoshoots, and auditions are not close. I don't work in the city, and I don't hang out near my house, so having to share a car is definitely an annoyance. So, yes, I have become impatient with that over the last week or so. But selfish? No. I have also become impatient with living at home. And perhaps this is exacerbated by the lack of a car. For four years I have lived on my own (even when I lived with my dad and came and went as I pleased and no one asked questions). Moving back home and having to adjust to someone else's rules is a TRUE test of my patience. Word to the wise: Be careful what you pray for because you just might get it. I prayed for patience because I know that's my problem and now God is putting me in a situation where that patience is really being tested. Well, God, I think I did good for 50 days, but You are really tripping now! LOL Not only do I have to live at home, but I actually have to BE at home. By the time I get off, get home, and change and try to drive to a friend's house 45 minutes away, I'm ready to stay the night. Not drive back home so I can give my mom her car back. So there's no point in even driving to a friend's house lol. So I stay at home and complain to friend's on the phone about it. Which I know only makes it worst. Negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts blah blah blah. I read "The Secret." You can save your intangible advice. LOL

I also believe that by 20 or 21 people are who they are. They have developed their character traits and will be that way for the rest of their lives. We all have flaws and by 20 or 21 you have developed them. I had a conversation with a friend of mine and she made a very good point. You have to know your people. You have to know who you are hanging out with. They have flaws and character traits and you have to know what those are in order to know how to handle them. Now once they reveal consistent flaws to you, it's up to you if you want to continue to deal with them or not. If you have a friend that has been flaky for 3 years, they are probably just a flaky person. No matter how much you tell them they are flaky and it's annoying, they are going to be flaky. If you have a sensitive friend, they are going to be sensitive no matter how much you tell them not to be so sensitive. People are going to be who they are unless some life changing event happens (ie children, marriage, death of a loved one, etc) or they have some divine epiphany. I say all of that to say, if I'm selfish, perhaps I'm just a selfish person. If I'm impatient... ok not if I'm impatient ... I'm an impatient person. That's just who I am. It may get better over the years, but I am probably just going to be that way. Now what do I do about it? Make a concerted effort to be aware of it, but I'll likely never just be completely not impatient/selfish (even though I really don't think I'm selfish ;-) ... ok maybe just a little. But I'm 22 and single with the world at my fingertips. I'm just trying to live my life!

D